DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for 30 years. Our marriage may not be perfect, but it’s quite good.
My dilemma is this: My husband keeps track of every time we have sex and has a personal goal of 100 times a year. In 2013, he informed me that we’d had sex only 76 times, and that was not adequate for him. He was quite upset about it.
Do you think tracking your sex life is normal, and what do you think about a couple married for 30-plus years having sex 76 times in a year? Is that normal? Also, keep in mind that he travels for business and is gone about 60 days a year. — PRESSURED
DEAR PRESSURED: Your husband sounds like a college student who is striving to get 100 notches on his belt. Rather than obsess about the number of times you have had sex, the quality of the experience should be more important. Fifty GREAT times a year would be better than 100 so-so times, one would think. And no, I do not think your husband’s preoccupation is “normal” — whatever normal is these days.
Abby! How could you? Don’t you know that men like to keep count of things? Actually women do too. Just imagine this man had earned 25% less last year then the year before. What would you say if the wife complained about him earning less and wanting him to earn more next year? I bet you would give her a “you go girl!” and not complain about HER counting. I bet you would not call her immature and ABNORMAL. I bet you wouldn’t be a bit concerned about the quality of his expereince in earning less, only in the numbers. But if the man starts counting things about the relationship and points out that they are 25% behind his goal you call him immature and abnormal. tsk tsk tsk. That puts you clearly in the sexist category now doesn’t it? Is sex twice a week too much to ask? Not according to Dr Phil who says that 68 times a year is the national average. C’mon Abby, I think you need a course or two in men’s issues. At this point you are only seeing things from her side and not his.
Tom Golden is the author or three books, Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing, The Way Men Heal, and Helping Mothers be Closer to Their Sons: UnderStanding the Unique World of Boys. Tom was the creator of the youtube channel Men Are Good and served as the vice chairman of the Maryland Commission for Men’s Health. He has been a therapist in private practice for over 30 years.