Category Archives: Fathers

Father’s Day Message!

 

The Manmade Plague of Fatherlessness

 

One of the most damaging things that has ever impacted our culture is fatherlessness.

Back in 1965 Departent of Labor Secretary Moynihan did a report on the inner city and his report showed that it was not race or poverty that had deteriorated the inner city African American community, it was the absence of dads.   We knew at that point, in 1965, that not having dads in the home was seriously injuring our families and our children.

But what did we do? Our politicians both from the left and the right marched ahead and did more and more to remove dads from homes. We went from Father knows best to father is a pest. Government slowly took on the role of substitute father. Welfare demanded no dad at home in order to get that welfare check. No fault divorce was instituted and then we created bogus expensive echo chambers called family courts that routinely removed men from their homes after they had depleted whatever income and savings the men might have had. We glorified single motherhood which was actually the root of our problem while we demonized males as being the source of all of our difficulties. It is hard to imagine a more sinister plot to ruin our country. Now we spend billions upon billions of dollars failing to fix the symptoms of fatherlessness while simultaneously turning a blind eye to the real problem, the chronic absence of dads in the home.

We are at the point now where nearly 40% of all school age children in the United States are not living with their father.

The research tells us plenty about this mess. Here’s a list of problems that are related to fatherlessness:

  • Suicide
  • Rape
  • Job Failure
  • Delinqueincy
  • Low empathy
  • Anxiety
  • Bullying
  • Drug abuse
  • Prison
  • Smoking
  • High school failyure
  • Depression
  • Alcohol abuse
  • Being bullied

The research could not be more clear about the connection of these things to fatherlessness. In fact the research goes a step farther. The work of Sara McClanahan literally shows that some of these results of fatherlessness are causative. That is huge. Never have I heard social science research claim something is causative, they always frame it in terms of correlation not causation. But the results of fatherlessness are now being understood to be causative.

Damn.

McClanahan points out that the evidence is strongest for outcomes such a s High School graduation, Children’s social emotional adjustment, and later adult mental health but there is plenty of data supporting all of the others.

Let’s take just one. Low empathy.

A longitudinal study found that the strongest indicator of empathy was father presence in the home. So often we assume that mom is the empathic one and would be the one to teach the children about empathy but the research shows something very different. In fact it showed that the importance of father presence was so critical it was three times as important to the child’s later empathy than the top three factors from mom combined.

Why would dads be connected to empathy? I am sure you are wondering this as did the researchers. Most are thinking now that it is the dad who sets the limits and does not back down or waver. Think about it, the child says I want my ice cream and dad says, nope, not till you eat your broccoli. The child says, no, I want ice cream now, dad says nope, broccoli first or no ice cream. This goes on for a while until the child realizes that dad will not back down and so they eat the broccoli and then get the ice cream. What happened? One element in this is that the child had to see the world through the father’s eyes. They couldn’t simply see their world through their own desires, they had to see them through dad. It turns out this act is practice at seeing the world through the eyes of another and this is actually the critical rudiment of empathy. The capacity to see the world through another’s eyes. If we can’t see the world through another’s eyes we will likely stay  in our narcissistic and self centered world. Dad’s limit setting is essential for the maturity of the child.

This is a stunning finding and if true you would expect to see a diminishing of empathy among our young people that would correspond to the increasing lack of dads in the home. Guess what? That is just what we see. A study showed that empathy was down 40% in 2010 college students compared to those in the 1970’s.  This 40% drop was from negative responses to questions like this one  “I sometimes try to understand my friends better by imagining how things look from their perspective.”  Wow.

Could  this drop in empathy be related to fewer dads at home? My guess would be yes.

So dads set limits, what else do they do? They roughhouse!

Guess what is being found about rough housing with kids? Research shows that roughhousing helps the kids be more socially adept and fosters their resilience. It teaches them the difference between play and actual aggression. When dad roughhouses they learn that being rough can be fun. They also learn the limits in this fun as dads tell them when they’ve gone too far.

And what about dads throwing their kids up in the air? Ever seen that? The dad throws them up and the kids scream with delight while mom frets and complains! The kids love it and dad knows exactly what he is doing. Guess what, they have found? Children who are tossed in the air are better able to take risks as adults. Again, this is a behavior that dads do automatically, both they and the kids love it and it has huge positive impact on their later development.

It’s hard to imagine how many other things dads do with kids that have been shamed that are actually helpful to their children? I am sure there is more to learn about this.

It seems very clear that dads are a crucial part of a child’s life. It’s also clear that certain groups have been trying to minimize this for decades. Politicians, feminists and lawyers come to mind. I think these groups owe dads and men an apology. It’s time we all worked together to be sure that dads and moms both have time with their children. .     Also know that there are some excellent organizations that are fighting hard to make this happen. Leading Women for Shared Parenting and the National Parents Organizations are two doing this important work. Check them out and support them!

My thanks to Warren Farrell who has been sharing chapters of his yet to be published book on boys. Some of this was used for this video.   It’s due out in March. We are all in for a treat!

Let’s not forget, men are good, as are you.

 

New Patreon Site! More Content

Many people have been asking me for some time to create more content. I have always said I don’t have time. Recently people started suggesting I start a Patreon site ask people to support my work. That is just what I have done. I hope you can come and visit here.   I could use your support!

 

Most of what I have been creating have been videos on men’s issues but I have also started a section focused on men and healing, a section on storytelling and also a section on “Things I wish my father had told me.”  I will be posting these on this site.  I have about a months content that has already been published on the patreon site.  I will be posting that here.  We will start with one.

Please come and join our small but growing community at Patreon!

Here’s a recent example:

 

New Men’s Issues Video

I have opened a Patreon page and would love to have you join in.  Plenty of free content and for as little as $2 a month you get access to a 14 video series on men and healing that was a part of an international class five years ago.  Learn about how Eric Clapton, Michael Jordan and many other men healed from very difficult losses.  You can find it here:  http://patreon.com/menaregood

This video was created 10 years ago and originally was in 4:3 format and fairly low resolution.  I have now brought it up to 16:9 and increased the resolution as much as possible while still keeping the original footage and audio.  I have also added an Epilogue on the end that takes a brief look at the carnage left since this video was created.

If you are interested in donating to the cause of more content on men’s issues here is a way to do it!  Thanks!


 

 

 

Congratulations President Elect Donald Trump!

Asteelworkers-1029665_1280 hearty congratulations to you, President Elect Donald Trump on your recent victory.  I cannot tell you how deeply your idea of making America Great Again resonates in me.  But if we are to make America Great Again we must do one important thing:  We must cease our male bashing, our blaming and shaming of men and masculinity and get back to our previous societal default that Men Are Good!

stevedore-1636392_1280Men have faced continuous bashing in the media, in their relationships, in academia, in our legislatures, our courts,  and our government funded school systems  Men have quietly weathered this assault fairly well showing their resilience and drive regardless of the insults and false accusations thrown their way.  I know you have experienced some of that in your campaign and likely know very well the trauma a false accusation can pack.

But now it is time to bring an end to this devaluing of men and ask our men to join the effort to make this country great again.  An important part of this isbusinessman-805764_1280 going to be to let men know how much they are valued, respected, and appreciated.  Respect and admiration is the fuel for the masculine and our men have been running low on that resource for over 50 years.  It is time for us to give our men the recognition they deserve.    The loving fathers, the hard working men who support their families, the creative men who entertain, the brilliant men who theorize, the brave men who protect our borders, the everyday men who day in and day out work for the betterment of our country and do so even within this climate of disdain for men and masculinity.

It is these men who need to be honored and given respect and admiration.  It is these men who will be doing the tough work of making the country great again.

construction-646914_1280As you can imagine, judging by the name of this site, I have many ideas about how to bring the message forward that men are good.  Perhaps one of the best ideas would be to have you create a White House Council for Boys and Men.  President Obama, immediately following his inauguration created a White House Council for Women and Girls.  This has done great things for women and girls.  However when a group of us got together and created a proposal to create a White House Council for men and boys we were ignored. Totally.  Obama went so far as to strike the topic of a White House Council for Boys and Men from the agenda of a meeting he had with one of our group.  He simply didn’t want to talk about it much less do anything.  I’m sure you can imagine our frustration and our hopes that you might have a different response.

workers-659883_1280My sense is that our country is more than ready to see the male bashing be a thing of the past and to embark on a new path of honoring and admiring both our men and our women, our boys and our girls.  I am guessing you will feel this way also.

Thank you!

Tom Golden
Men Are Good!

Men’s Issues and Creativity: An Excerpt from a male friendly novel The Coriolis Effect

 

We are living in a misandrist world and very few people are even slightly aware of this.  In order to chip away at this we need to work to inform the public with sites like menaregood and many others.  However, the power of story is what has gotten us into this mess with the feminists perpetual voicing of one sided narratives that focus on female victimhood and female positives and leave out men and boys except as the perpetrators.  Men are extraordinarily creative, just look at the world’s best writers, artists, composers etc.  We need to start using those skills to unearth the reality of men’s issues and that is just what is done by the book that is excerpted below, The  Coriolis Effect.  Read the excerpt, if you like it, buy the book, tell your friends, spead the male friendly creativity as far and wide as you can.  And remember, men are good.  Tom Golden



WEBSITE WITH REVIEWS
http://nynovel.com

 

SIMPLE INTRODUCTION

coverA novel—a crime thriller—on the goodness of masculinity in an era of toxic feminism.

A massive hurricane is descending on New York City, but Marco has bigger problems. His dad is a disgraced city cop who can’t accept responsibility for a fatal car crash. Fired from the force, he now works security for the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which should be a safe gig… but isn’t.

A drug cartel is planning a museum heist. They will use stolen art to launder money from cocaine, smuggled inside eviscerated cadavers—and they are blackmailing Marco’s dad to assist. Meanwhile, in the face of the incoming cyclone, Marco must reconcile with his father’s past or be swept away, their relationship forever destroyed.

The tentacles of the drug cartel thrash against New York, Jamaica, and even Rome as the Coriolis Effect induces the cyclonic force that upends Marco’s life while he struggles to understand himself, love his father and stop the criminals who would disgrace his dad—again.

This is a story of a turbulent transition, and a man’s first time with a woman. It is a male-positive story in which the violence is extreme; the passion explicit; the love sublime. The respect for women is profound; the empowering of masculinity, unashamed.

 

 

DEDICATION

I dedicate this novel to the reader’s father

 

QUOTE FROM NOVEL

“For every crack in that glass ceiling, there is a man buried in Arlington for building this house.”

 

CHAPTER 1: A TROPICAL DISTURBANCE
The two tourists spent more time sightseeing than steering and didn’t see the yellow school bus barreling down on them as they rounded the crest overlooking Montego Bay.

After somersaulting off the cliff, their scooters sailed into the bay while their bodies plunged to earth and exploded in a burst that painted red blossoms on the plaza. Many of the onlookers got their first look at human organs, while children rushed into the waves to fish out two new motorbikes.

Locals said the gods selected their sacrifice by spinning the wheel of misfortune; but in the moon-shadows of the palm trees, they whispered another story: that someone needed two large shipping crates in a hurry.

Later that day the bodies were brought to the island mortician and his assistant, Astride. They worked in a small mortuary on a narrow dirt road that sliced through a canyon that was carved by the floods that follow the hurricanes.

“M’Lord, they were fat as whales,” Astride whispered, as she stuffed seaweed into the voodoo doll in her left hand.

“They’re just shells now,” the mortician replied, just before taking a bite of his tuna-fish sandwich.

“We are all to be forever,” Astride added. A second, finished, doll lay on the table by the rear door.

A lung and liver lay on a surgical table. On the bookshelf-a bag of potato chips, a Diet Pepsi, and a kidney. An eye floated in a dish atop a plywood crate kept as a spare for the next stray family that couldn’t afford a coffin.

“Please set that down, come here, and take this,” the mortician snapped, holding out a bloodied surgical rag.
“That eye be watching me,” Astride answered, pointing at the ownerless eye, while she shielded herself its gaze with the voodoo doll.

“Stop looking at it. And finish your project later. I don’t pay you to be a witch doctor. Put down the doll and come here and help me,” he snapped as he turned back to the table.

Astride took the bloody rag and tossed it to the table by the back door. She wiped her hands on the yellow and green stripes that zig-zagged across her black dress; but she only managed to smear the red blood into orange streaks.

The mortician was a large man. His belly folded over itself and new layers protruded each year. “My grandchildren use my belly as a staircase,” he often would joke, as if laughter and food could camouflage his work’s reality.

Astride avoided the eye and searched the distant hill beyond the window. When the bodies were delivered, they were told to prepare for a visitor.

“When will they get here?” she asked as she wrapped chaparral vines around the doll. She set down the doll near the first one on the table and took a step closer to the window.  “When they get here,” the mortician replied.

“Can’t think so good with this anxiety,” she continued as she fanned herself with her hands. Her crimson painted fingernails flailed around her head.

“You sound like you’re excited to see them,” the mortician said, and added, “I’d rather you focus on this work.”

“Hard to work with an eye on the coffin,” Astride whispered.

They heard a van drive up, a door slam, and the sound of approaching footsteps crunching the gravel in the driveway.

Astride looked into the mirror that hung near the rear door to the back garden and studied her face. She pulled down her dress, tightened her hair bun, smacked her lips and turned to face the front door.

 

LATER THAT NIGHT

 

Across town, Mr. Walker turned his head toward the orange glow in the distance. He stepped onto the newly orphaned sailing yacht and the warm scent of citrus followed him.

In the distance, he saw the yellow headlights of a van approaching. It drove along the pier and up to the where the boat docked. Several shadows emerged and transferred the caskets to the yacht. One shadow handed Walker an envelope.

“You’ll get the other half when you arrive,” the shadow whispered.

“Whom do I see when I get there?”

“They’ll find you,” the shadow replied as it dissolved back into darkness.

The van pulled away, leaving Walker alone under a mist of starlight.

He unlaced the mooring line’s knot, and pushed from shore.

The boat barely moved and only rotated in place as the Milky Way seemed to spiral above his head. He had to use the motor to slip into the wake of Hurricane Nicholas which had cleared the sea of ships earlier that week.

The scent of citrus he brought onboard was soon washed away by the salt air.

“Only thing to worry about now is sea dragons,” he thought as he gritted his teeth.

“Three of us on board,” he whispered as he steered out of the harbor. The shoreline faded into darkness as he added to himself, “and two of them don’t talk no more.”

He remembered the legends about the Bermuda Triangle and about the creatures that wash ashore on nearby islands.

“Don’t wanna be seeing any of them alone on this trip,” he implored the moon. “Only empty shells now and don’t talk—they be bones, no more.”

The stars reflected with pinpoint perfection on the sea before him. Behind him, the sailboat shed moonlit vortices over the ocean. The two diverging streams of the boat’s wake—a silver necklace adorned with white whirlpools—gripped his focus as he continued looking toward the past.

“May have to use this engine the whole way,” he shouted, as he turned forward. “No wind tonight!”

But he was wrong. A wind was blowing, and a storm was rising—two storms: two bodies and two stories.

Just off the coast of Africa, a high-pressure system was developing. This system would begin pushing warm air out over the ocean. The warm air would meet a low-pressure zone and the wind would stream inward. The earth’s rotation would redirect the streamlines into a vortex swirling around a central eye. This will take some time to develop.

Meanwhile, another storm was accelerating far to the north. This storm had been percolating for years; it had been simmering almost as long, it seemed, as the Red Spot has been fuming on the planet Jupiter. It is a storm between a father and a son who have forgotten how to talk with each other. Like any storm that was finally beginning to spin, it had its own center, its own voice, and its own eye.

 

CHAPTER 28: AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM

With her, I will share the man I will forever become. I love being a man, and she invigorates my respect for masculinity; helps me see the common thread all us men share. When my respect for the beauty of men flows spontaneously and without reservation, I feel connected to masculinity and its goodness. While I accept the gender fluid, I embrace the gender solid. For women are beautiful; and my way of transcending the binary and accepting my own femininity is by love for all women through one woman. My masculinity that I share with Cyrise, in fusion greater than its parts, is not a performance, and it is not one of many; it exists without an audience-it is the sound of a tree growing in the forest.

 

 

BIOSKETCH OF AUTHOR

 

The author holds a BA in Art History from Columbia University and a Ph.D. in Engineering from the University of California, San Diego. He is currently a professor in the US and also in Europe, where he lives with his wife and two children.

He wrote this novel as a gift to his son. It is a novel on the goodness and beauty of men and masculinity in an era of toxic feminism.

 

WEBSITE WITH REVIEWS

http://nynovel.com